I’ve been wallowing in a muddy pool of self-pity.  And it’s probably time I squared my shoulders and climbed out of the pond.

Life sometimes sends us curve-balls.

A friend is dying.  She doesn’t know she is dying, her family have chosen not to tell her, to protect her.  And I can’t say goodbye.

When I was broken she was the mother-figure I so desperately needed.  I can’t tell her that I will be grateful until my dying days that she saved me from myself so many times.  That simply hearing her voice was therapy to me.  A warm aural hug down a cold phone line.  She understood what it was to come from a totally dysfunctional family, and she knew what it was to be broken into a million pieces.

Flowers on a grave cannot express the words, the emotion, the grief.

Someone else very close to us has been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer this week.  The curve-balls continue to come.  But I won’t wallow in my self-pity anymore.  I will square my shoulders, climb out of the muddy ooze and face what comes.  My friend showed me how to do that.

Love to all, toni xx






7 thoughts on “Wallowing.

  1. It’s never the wrong time to tell someone how much they mean to you and how much you have appreciated them being there for you in good times and bad. Twenty years after his death I’m sure my best friend is still watching me over me from wherever he is and making me stop and think before I do something daft, again. Big cyber hugs XX.

  2. Please share with your friend just how much she means to you. That will bring her and you comfort.
    I will be thinking of you. Sending hugs.

  3. Tears can be very healing, much better to cry it out and then it seems more manageable for awhile. Enjoy your friend as much as you can! Smiles and hugs for you 🙂 – Heidi

  4. OH, Toni!!! I am so sorry to hear about your friend…you can still say those things to her and let her know you love her without telling her she is dieing… We don’t tell those we love that we love them often enough while they are still around to hear it (as I type, I am crying over all the things I have left unsaid to so many that I have lost)…Peace to you and your friend. Hugs all around, too. With love, Katie (and wallow as long as you need to, it is like loving yourself, too)

  5. You may not be able to tell your friend goodbye, but you can certainly tell her how much she means to you, and the impact she has had on your life. I would enjoy hearing that, regardless of what my health state is. I used to know an older lady Ms. Graves, and she would say “I don’t want any flowers on my grave- give them to me now, while I can appreciate them!” I am sure your friend will appreciate your love as well.

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